Saturday, November 24, 2012

About To Pop

I'm being induced tomorrow morning...and I seriously can hardly wait. I do not like being pregnant, and then the final weeks and days are the worst! I'm so tired of being tired and so sick of feeling sick.  People keep telling me to "get your sleep now." Ha! Seriously? How am I supposed to sleep with a bowling ball in my stomach? With this constant feeling of nausea? With a sore back? With a little person doing flips inside of me? Get this baby here already. I'll take sleep-deprived newborn stage over being pregnant any day!

Today was spent doing final "nesting" things, but mostly finishing the nursery. My mother-in-law, "M," was adamant that we get the nursery finished and she made sure that happened. Thank goodness! I was so happy to have her help and love that she is so talented at decorating. I'm now completely ready to welcome this little man home...well, I still have to finish packing my hospital bag. Sigh...

"M" helped me all day - painting, sewing, hanging artwork, shopping, and organizing. And then, we went to Buca di Beppo for my "last meal" as a prego lady. Check out that huge tummy! Our final family photo as a family of THREE. Bring on #4!

And then, a bitter-sweet moment for me: putting Holland to bed for the last time before this new, little man joins our family. I've been so torn lately with feelings of guilt. I burst into tears now and then (read: OFTEN!) with such mixed emotions and my heart literally aches! I question a lot of things: Did I get pregnant too soon? Is Holland going to be jealous? Will she like her little brother or resent him? Is there anyway I can love another child as much as I love this little girl of mine? Is Holland going to feel replaced and/or left out? Is she going to be mad at me? Am I forcing her to grow up too fast? Will she still let me rock her to sleep...?

As I sang and rocked my little girl I cried and cried - some of the tears were sadness and some of them were joy. I never imagined I would love motherhood as much as I do. And, I never imagined I could love a little person as much as I do. I feel so unworthy of this amazing blessing and responsibility. I hope I don't mess up!


Andi said...

Got a little emotional that you were so emotional! Hope that most of your fears have been alleviated. It's amazing that you can just have more love for each child that comes along.

Mishel said...

B - you will mess it up. We all do. ;-) But the great thing about parenting is there are so many opportunities and moments where we get to redeem ourselves for the mess ups. My constant hope is that my children will remember more of the good than the bad because I certainly have more happy memories than regrets as a parent. Just enjoy each day and don't kill yourself over the mistakes or the days that could have been better. Life is gift and everyday with your kids is a blessing. Celebrate!